This Crypto Market Feels Like Getting Hit With A Sock Full Of Nickels

Technically Speaking - January 25, 2024

Imagine walking around barefoot, and then you step on a nail. You scream SHIT GOD DAMN MUTHA FUCKA WHY IS THERE NAIL IN MY KITCHEN OMG WHERE DID THAT COME FROM while you sit your ass down on the floor and gently knead the pain out of your foot.

You feel some relief and then prepare to push your fat ass off the ground when you start to scream GOD DAMN SHIT MUTHA FUCKING MOUSE TRAP WHY HOW WHEN because your hand just landed in a mouse trap that appeared out of nowhere.

In a nutshell, that’s what this market feels like right now. And from an Ichimoku perspective, there’s a good reason why. Let’s glance at the nightmare of Bitcoin’s monthly chart:

If you know nothing about the Ichimoku Kinko Hyo system, know this: those red and green blobs are the Cloud, and it’s a place you don’t want to go or be in. The Cloud represents volatility, indecision, Russia, Vladimir Putin, flesh-eating bacteria, STDs, sex traffickers, cancer, AIDs, absent fathers, politicians who were born when there were still 48 States, and winter.

Bitcoin spent thirty-two awful God-damned weeks inside the Cloud in 2023. Do you remember that misery? Well, Bitcoin entered the monthly Cloud in October, and it’s still inside.

Until there’s a clear breakout or breakdown, expect the suck to continue.

Well, That’s Some Interesting Shit

The chart below is Coinbase’s historical Bitcoin balance from August 2022 to today (January 25, 2024). Why is this some interesting shit?

Analysts and investors believe that the less supply of BTC on an exchange, the more bullish the price action. It means BTC is leaving an exchange to be hodled like a prized Magic The Gathering collection, not sold like some weak-handed boob.

It’s what’s considered an extremely bullish signal. Or event. Thing. 🐂

Crypto News In 3 Sentences

Trezor Smells Like Dead Fish

Trezor's third-party email provider got hacked, sending users a wave of phishing emails. These sneaky messages, disguised as urgent updates, tried to lure users into revealing their seed phrases on a dodgy website. Trezor swung into action, deactivating the malicious link and assuring that funds are SAFU unless you spilled your seed phrase like a moron. 🐡

Oh. Great. An Even Better And Creepier Eye Ball Scanner

Worldcoin CEO Alex Blania teases a new look for their controversial eye-scanning Orb device. The upgrade aims to make it friendlier, resembling an Apple product. Despite raising $250 million, Worldcoin's Orb has been mired in privacy controversies, especially in developing economies like Kenya. 👀

Bitwise: Here’s Our Wallet

Bitwise has taken a bold step in transparency, becoming the first U.S. Bitcoin ETF to publish its on-chain addresses. This move lets anyone verify BITB's holdings, aligning with the crypto world's ethos of openness. Bitwise's BITB currently holds a hefty 12,338 BTC. 👜

Judge to CZ: Hell No, You Can’t Go

Binance founder Changpeng ‘CZ’ Zhao hit a legal roadblock as a US judge denied his request to travel to the UAE, despite dangling $4.5 billion in Binance equity as security. Facing anti-money laundering charges and a potential 10 to 18-month prison term, CZ's substantial wealth abroad and minimal US ties raised flight risk concerns. His guilty plea has already forced Binance's US exit and a $4.3 billion penalty. 🛑

Grayscale Has Soft, Weak Hands

Grayscale's Bitcoin Trust (GBTC) is facing an investor exodus, sending Bitcoin's price spiraling below $39,000. Since transforming into a spot Bitcoin ETF, GBTC has seen over $3.4 billion flee, with Grayscale dumping Bitcoin on Coinbase Prime for sale. Eric Balchunas of Bloomberg notes a $515 million outflow in one day, a 13% loss of GBTC's outstanding shares. 🤲