Crypto Just Wants You For Your Money

Technically Speaking - February 1, 2024

Let’s take a look at some charts that scream run away very, very fast and don’t come back for a long ass time. 😱

Near Protocol

Do you know what makes this weekly chart hot? In one week, NEAR will be inside what Gann referred to as his ‘Death Zone’ - a 49-day cycle that has a high probability of terminating the current short-term retracement lower.

But do you know what’s not hot about this hot chart? It’s inside the Cloud.

Picture this: You’re out and about with your buddies, and at this party, you walk near (PUN INTENDED) this chic named NEAR. You’re all like, wow, one of them fancy foreign chics with one of those silly names, cool, and she wants me. That’s the 49-day cycle you’re looking at.

Then, you and NEAR go upstairs, and after some social lubrication, things get hot. NEAR tells you she has an STD, but it’s, like, totes, not serious. Oh, sure, you’re all caught up in the moment, and you’re like double-wrap, no clap, right?

WRONG. NEAR’s STD is the Cloud. ☁️

For those that don’t know, the Cloud (or Kumo in Japanese) is a ‘dug big red truck’ sign to walk the f*ck away from that chart. Move on. Why? Because everything bad in the world exists in the Cloud. Below is some visual proof:

So, if something is in the Cloud, what do you do? You keep walking. Don’t look back. Just keep going. It’s not for you. Even if NEAR wants to offer you a handy, she’s probably got leprosy, and you don’t want leprosy, do you? No, you don’t. ⚕️

Yearn Finance

My God, look at the inside of that weekly Cloud. The people trading this all are pissing razors; I promise you that. 🪒

Tezos

Well, well, well, XTZ, just the bell of the ball, ain’t she? In the Cloud on the weekly and daily charts. 

Not only did the traders unwisely dip their wick into Satan’s naughty bits once, but they did it again and again. Genital warts, I guess, weren’t that bad, so the figured diving in for rounds six and seven to complete a Benjamin Franklin style of life and bad decisions was a gooder idea.

Poor bastards will be bathing in Valtrex for the rest of their lives. 🤦‍♀️

Crypto Total Market Cap Chart

See this chart? Do you remember what to do if you see a chart like this?

Obviously, you don’t because you’re still reading.

TradingView’s Total Market Cap Chart, Total Market Cap Excluding Bitcoin Chart, and the Total Market Cap Chart Exluding BTC and ETH are all inside the Cloud on the daily chart.

Ladies and gentlemen, from an Ichimoku perspective, the co-ed Freshman dorms have an outbreak of STDs not seen since the debauchery of the Roman Empire.

Stay. The Hell. Away. 🛑

Crypto News In 3 Sentences

Sh*tcoin Shiller And Adulterer Calls It Quits Again

Man child Ben ‘BitBoy’ Armstrong took to YouTube again and cried about how much it costs him to run his daily show - about $25,000 a week, of which $24,900 is likely used to buy some of Auntie’s Special White Powdery LET’S F*CKING GOOOOOOO Coke Powder. Oh, and he’s done. 🤦‍♂️

FTX Dicks Customers A Second Time

If you had BTC with FTX and thought you’d get your BTC back, you’re wrong. Instead of getting your Bitcoin back, which is your asset, the firm in charge of FTX’s bankruptcy convinced a judge to value the Bitcoin at the November 2022 price of $16,871. I bet the firm wouldn’t be cool with getting paid in 1930’s dollar valuation. 🤬

Vitalik Buterin Suspicious Silence Is Suspicious

Ethereum's Vitalik Buterin faces escalating scrutiny over alleged links to the $450 million Gatecoin hack of 2016. Journalist Mark Camilleri and whistleblower Steven Nerayoff have intensified demands for clarity from Buterin. Despite Camilleri's direct inquiries, Buterin's silence amidst these serious allegations is becoming increasingly conspicuous. 🕵️

Blast Blasted For Forking Optimism

Blast is embroiled in controversy for allegedly forking Optimism's open-source code without proper credit. Accusations surfaced on social media, with claims that Blast made minimal changes to pass the code as its own. Despite the uproar and calls for accountability, Blast plays the Buterin card by saying nothing. 🖥️

ARK Invest: 19.4% Bitcoin Allocation For Portfolios

ARK Invest's annual report suggests a 19.4% Bitcoin allocation in institutional portfolios for maximized risk-adjusted returns. Highlighting Bitcoin's historical outperformance, ARK presents a compelling case for its inclusion in investment strategies. The report emphasizes Bitcoin's long-term gains, despite its volatility, advocating for a significant allocation since 2015. 📊

Well, That’s Interesting

If investors and analysts believe that the lower the supply of Bitcoin, the higher prices will move, then this chart below should be of interest.

The chart above shows Santiment’s Supply On Exchanges for Bitcoin from January 2023 to February 2024. How much Bitcoin is currently on exchanges, according to Santiment’s data?

Only 1.06 million BTC. 🤯